


Zim Learns Something New

by orphan_account



Category: Invader Zim
Genre: M/M, Masturbation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-12
Updated: 2019-12-12
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:33:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21515335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: After being in an awkward conversation with Dib, Zim tries something he learned called "masturbation".
Comments: 1
Kudos: 12





	Zim Learns Something New

**Author's Note:**

> This work is orphaned because I don't want explicit stuff on my profile. If you've read this story around a month ago from the posted date, hello! ^o^

Zim suddenly found himself in a strange, weird conversation. He and Dib, along with his sister (trying her very best not to listen in), were stuffed into the crowded Hi-Skool cafeteria. The three were squished onto the end of a table, where a clump of teenagers sat. The obnoxious children hogged most of the table to themselves, leaving the three to be squished together. The cafeteria bustled with chatter and noise.

"Honestly," Dib remarked, chuckling, "Who in the hell slaps their dick? Are you trying to get that sweet, sweet CBT?"

Zim blinked, eyebrows furrowed. He sat across from the human. His sister's nose was buried in her Switch.

"What is CBT, and why would anyone want to slap their genitalia in the first place?"

"CBT stands for cock and ball torture."

The alien scrunched up his face even more. He rested his forehead onto his fingers.

He exclaimed, "Do people like that?"

"A thing you have to know, Zim, is that people do lots of weird stuff to get off."

"Get off?" he asked, becoming more self-aware of his gaps of knowledge.

"You know," Dib muttered, looking around quickly, "Masturbation?"

The alien suckled an apple juice straw, shrugging his shoulders. Dib gawked at him, conflicted as to whether or not he should be exasperated or impressed.

"You've been on Earth for how long? And you've only found this out now?!"

"Well, tell me what it is, blockhead!"

Dib slouched, turning his head to rest on his fist. "How do I put this in words you'll understand?" Meeting his eyes, he quietly explained, "You rub your genitals in order to receive pleasure."

"Oh!" Zim loudly declared, "To simulate natural sex!"

"Yeah, yeah, something like that," Dib muttered, cheeks gaining a redder hue.

Zim rubbed his chin, processing the new information in his PAK. He sorted the information to "Will Try ASAP" in his data banks. The alien would've questioned further, but the bell ruined his fun. He bid his friend goodbye, as he sped off to class.

Zim tore down the many halls of his expansive base. Usually, he did his homework after school, but he had more important things to do. His spider legs crawled down a tight space, littered with many pipes and wires. Popping back into a hallway, he leaped into another small hole. He retracted his mechanical legs, sliding down a pipe. He flew through the ending, and roughly landed in a small, cramped, circular room. The only thing decorating the room was an alien-designed chair, and a computer.

He barked into his PAK, "GIR! I'm doing, err... Private stuff! Don't come to the computer room, and don't bother me!"

A memory of a giant squirrel ransacking his base came into mind.

Zim corrected, "Bother me _only if_ it's an emergency! And I mean life-or-death emergency!"

"Okie dokie!" GIR cooed, as his voice faded into static.

He quickly turned his focus to the computer, where he logged on.

"Phase one!" he declared, "Learn!"

The alien clicked his mouse a few times, and searched in a private browser, "masturbation". Pages upon pages provided him informative articles about the subject. However, his curiosity led him to click on videos. He gawked, disgusted, when pages upon pages showed people filming themselves. Timidly clicking on a video, a strange website loaded. Instead of having annoying, regular advertisements like any other website, this one showed disturbing images of naked people selling themselves. Zim realized Dib's advice that people did strange things to "get off" was very true. After what seemed like a century, the video loaded. It showed a man laying on his back, with the camera being level to the ground. The man was feverishly moving his hands up and down his cock. Zim mimicked the arm motion, putting his hand into an O shape.

"Wow," Zim muttered, transfixed on the video, "He's really going at it."

He hovered his mouse pointer over the near-end of the video. Minutes passed by in a flash.

"Jesus Christ, he's still going! Doesn't your arm get tired?" he thought, impressed.

Suddenly, a fluid spurted from his tip. It landed on the man's naked chest. A loud moan came from his speakers. Startled, he quickly held down a button, which greatly reduced the volume. Finally, the man's arm collapsed to the ground. He could hear harsh, exhausted breaths.

"That was a journey," he remarked.

Wanting to learn more, he searched about the human reproductive system. He read about sperm, and how humans produced it. He also learned how males got hard; blood fills tiny compartments in their organs. He brushed up on females, but their strange meat flaps sickened him. He tabbed back to the strange website, and visited the home page. Thumbnail after thumbnail showed him humans engaged in weird, strange acts.

Zim whispered, "People are supposed to like these?"

He clicked on a video, which held a disturbing title, "My adopted son fucks me". With a grimace, he viewed the beginning, where the mother was washing dishes. She flipped a switch, which caused the sink to make a weird, shredding noise. Suddenly, her long, straight hair got stuck!

"How the fuck does your hair get stuck in a sink?" Zim commented.

She called out for help, and her son came to her aid! However, instead of freeing her, he pulls down her pants.

"What in the actual hell?" Zim shrieked, "Humans are so despicable."

He quickly clicked away after the camera zoomed in on the woman's newly exposed private parts. After viewing the beginnings of a few more videos, he realized that the videos were planned, not somebody actually raping their mother. It made him feel better about the explicit videos. He made fun of a few more videos, giggling at their absurdity. However, he found a video that was pleasing to his eye. He duplicated the tab, saving it for when he wanted to stop making fun of people. Out of nowhere, an idea appeared in his brain. Grinning with anticipation, and a slight dose of fear, he typed into the search bar, "Minecraft porn". He howled in laughter when he saw shitty 3-D models with a penis. He slid off of his chair, as he guffawed loudly. Wiping moisture from his eyes, he saw a great variety, from anime girls dressed up as creepers, to startlingly high-quality, stylized, minecraft models.

"There must be more stuff like this!"

He searched up the few shows he could think off of the top of his head, such as My Little Pony. He gawked at the cursed artwork, chuckling awkwardly. However, he discovered something awful. There was one image that was plainly horrifying. He quickly closed the tab, feeling the fun drain out of him.

"What have they done to you, Rainbow Dash?" he moaned somberly, attempting to scrub the horrible, sinister, unspeakable piece of artwork out of his PAK.

After a second or two, he forgot what he was weeping about.

Wiping the tears of sorrow from his eyes, he declared, "Now that I have desensitized myself, I think it's time I move on to..."

He dramatically stood onto the chair, posing.

"Phase two!" he screamed, "Actually doing the thing!"

The alien sat back on his chair. He chucked off his boots, and peeled away his deep, black leggings. They revealed legs that hadn't seen light in years; they were awfully pale compared to his face. He wiggled his two toes on each foot, freeing them from the tyranny of the boot. He stripped himself of his light pink underwear. His fingers traveled down to his bare crotch, where he untucked his sexual organ from his body. He stared at the soft, candy pink rod, now resting in his hands. He couldn't remember the last time he needed to reveal his sex organ. He couldn't even remember if it had a name! The alien lovingly labeled it after the humans' organs. Now realizing what he was doing, he quickly jolted his hand away from his crotch.

"Is it usually pre-moistened?" Zim, thought, disgusted.

He saw small pores on his organ, which leaked small amounts of clear fluid. He felt his throat close, disgusted at himself. The alien thought about taking his gloves off, but with his newfound knowledge, he decided to keep them on. He clicked on the video he thought he liked, and clicked play. With no introduction, two men laid on top of each other, their lips intertwined. Soft moans came from the man at the bottom, as the one on the top smirked proudly. The two were very attractive, but Zim liked the man on the top better. Zim stretched out on his crescent-shaped chair. The small alien felt his body get hot, especially his cheeks, which were burning. Electric signals danced in his abdomen, signaling a need. An ebb of desire shivered up his body. Without commanding it to, he felt his hand reach for his cock. He hesitated, feeling a twinge of shame and guilt. However, burning passion demanded he touch himself. His breath felt shallow, as his limbs felt jittery. He didn't want to touch himself; he _needed_ to. Timidly, he stroked his cock, with a shivery twinge of pleasure following the action.

"I could get used to this," Zim thought, turning his attention to the video.

The man on top, which Zim un-creatively nicknamed Top, was whispering into the man's ears. The other human, nicknamed Sub, begged for pleasure. Smirking, he crawled down to his penis, where he began tenderly stroking it. Sub, growing impatient, begged for more. After a few more strenuous moments, Top gave in, and licked his cock with a saliva-coated tongue. A pleasureful signal shot through the small alien's body. He stroked his dick with more vigor.

"Fuck, I wish that was me," Zim whispered, referring to Sub.

The video continued with the men moaning. Their sounds of pleasure filled his sensory organs, which he enjoyed. He could vividly imagine their hot breath against his own skin. Apparently, Top wanted a piece of the action, because he told the man to roll over. Once he did that, he grabbed his ass.

"I know where this is going," commented Zim.

With a grimace, he pressed the spacebar with his toe, pausing the video. He rolled onto his side, and jerked his organ even harder. The alien's mind was filled with large, strong men roughly pushing him into a bed. He imagined phantom faces kissing him softly, and telling him to beg. His abdomen begged for more force, which he generously gave. He lost his sense of time, imagining wonderful things. Pressure increased in his small body, as his wonderful-feeling electrical signals. 

Suddenly, a wave of extreme pleasure assaulted his body! Zim tilted his head back, eyes scrunched closed in ecstasy. With a loud thunk, his back collapsed against the chair. A pleasurable wave lulled his body to relax. He let out audible, deep breaths. His thighs twitched. He felt a sticky fluid drip onto his legs. Confused, he tilted his head up, as he slowly came back to his senses. A surprised, nauseous feeling dropped into his stomach, replacing the wonderful feeling he just had. The alien quickly jerked his hand away from his dick. Tens of hundreds of pores, large and small, spilled out a fluid that had a strange consistency. It was not quite solid, but not quite liquid, either. It shimmered in disgustingly cute rainbow colors, which meant it had a lot of oil. Zim watched in horror, as his organ pulsed out wave after wave of disgusting pus. Finally, after a tense moment, it stopped. He gawked in disgust, as he absorbed the situation. The bottom half of his seat was practically covered in the strange substance.

With a nervous laugh, he declared, "Hell if I'm doing that again."

Zim wiped the oily pus that clung to his organ onto the seat (he was going to clean the chair anyway). He slipped on his clothes. Spider legs drawn out, he raced to one of his laboratories, where he grabbed a ginormous roll of paper towels. Scampering back to the computer room, he liberally applied the sheets to the room. The alien threw the now sopping wet towels into a plastic bag, which he had also collected from the room. Initiating the final step of the cleanup, he dashed to his base's boiler room, where a fire roared in a contained, metal contraption. The alien threw open the lid, chucked the bag into the roaring fire, and quickly shut the door. 

Zim declared, "Evidence destroyed!"

"What evidence?" asked GIR.

The small robot appeared by his feet. With a startled shriek, the alien jumped three feet into the air!

With an embarrassed look on his face, he mused, "Oh, GIR! Didn't see you there."

Taking in a whiff, GIR asked, "Why do your hands smell weird?"

"Well, erm," Zim muttered, face glowing a shameful hue, "I was just going to wash them!"

"That didn't answer my question," remarked GIR, as Zim scampered towards the door, slamming it behind him.


End file.
